Many people find that they are afraid to provide feedback to their partner when having sex with them because they are shy or uncomfortable about expressing their desires and needs, or they are worried that their partner will be embarrassed, or they feel criticized and become unsure of themselves.
And some people are hesitant to provide feedback to their partners because they don't fully understand the source of their pleasure. Many of us, like many others, think that our desires or our fulfillment are not that important when we try sexual activity, or feel shame about sexual fulfillment and desire.
Not being able to express your desires can cause you to miss out on a satisfying sexual experience, and providing your partner with some positive advice and feedback when appropriate can help you optimize your sexual experience. In this article, I'll bring you some practical strategies to help you effectively communicate your needs to your partner and not make them feel criticized.
Choose Words That Resonate with You
Many people, when trying to express their desires, often find themselves choosing the right words to express themselves, as many people feel some shame about sex and have difficulty describing genitals or other sensitive areas. Try using clear words such as "clitoris", "penis", "vulva", etc., or replace these shameful-sounding names with your favorite words.
In many cases, our upbringing determines our attitudes toward discussing sex. In many families, sex is considered a taboo subject, not to be discussed openly with everyone, and you may feel that expressing your desires is overwhelming, or that you press negative emotions such as embarrassment and shame when discussing these topics.
If you subconsciously believe that sex is a taboo subject, it is perfectly acceptable to use some subtle alternative words, or you can communicate simply with your partner by using gestures or guiding each other with your hands, etc., so that he knows which parts of you feel comfortable or uncomfortable.
Express Your Desires in the Moment
Expressing your desires can be a very difficult thing for some people, and it's important to know when to express yourself. If something is causing you discomfort, either physically or emotionally, even though providing feedback allows you and your partner to make timely adjustments to the way you have sex, rather than pleasing your partner by putting up with discomfort.
Because it is often the case that directly expressing what the other person is not doing well may hurt their feelings, it is recommended that you praise your partner first when pointing out their shortcomings. For example, "I like the way you're doing it, but I'm not feeling much right now, can you change positions" or "You're doing a good job, but could you be a little softer, a little gentler would be nice". Conversations like these are often more acceptable to the other person.
Employ the 'Appreciation Sandwich'
Expressing your desires in the right way is a very practical skill, and if you're worried about hurting your partner's feelings, you need to learn positive ways to make your statements more palatable.
Sex and relationship experts have come up with a strategy called the "Appreciation Sandwich," which is a brilliant way to help you improve the experience of sexual activity without hurting your partner's feelings during sexual encounters.
Appreciation Sandwich Expression:
1.Begin by stating which of your partner's behaviors are effective and that you feel like.
2.Then ask the partner to make improvements.
3.Followed by encouragement.
An example of the appreciation sandwich in action could be:
"I love the way you're using your tongue on my __."
"Do you think you could do it a little higher and add in some sucking?"
(After they have made the adjustment) "Ahh, yes, that's it!"
Have a Post-Sex Debrief, Emphasize What You Enjoyed
After the sexual encounter, share your favorite moments during sex and express what you would like to get closer to in the future, and when communicating with each other not only think about sharing your own experiences, but also turn the conversation to your partner and listen to her thoughts and preferences. Because everyone is not a mind reader, only the judicious use of the important skill of communication will allow you to express yourselves to each other and continue to rub off on each other, leading to a more harmonious and intimate relationship.
Explore Yes, No, Maybe Lists
Another way to provide feedback to your partner is to make a list of your likes and dislikes and make your boundaries clear in the list. Constructing a "yes, no, maybe" list with your partner can be an effective way to help you explore your own preferences, and you'll use the form to explore your own or each other's preferred approach to sex. The advantage of the form is that it is a very visual representation of your attitudes and makes communication clearer.
You can share this article with your partner, thus triggering a discussion about the importance of feedback, ask him to tell you his inner feelings after reading the article, and ask him if he is willing to try more communication about sex, don't be discouraged if the other person feels hesitant, and give him a little bit of time to think about it and understand what you think.
How to Offer Feedback When You're Unsure About Your Desires
Some people have trouble providing feedback because they are not sure what they want. If you are experiencing a similar problem, consider the following suggestions:
1. Ask for something different: If you are not sure if what you are currently trying is pleasurable to you, you can ask the person to try something different, express your discomfort or desire to stop by saying to the person, "Can we explore a different activity?" This isn't working for me," or "Can we pause for a moment?"
2. When working with your partner：Want to let the other person know that you are unsure of your desires, you can say something like, "Can we try something new, I don't really know what I like, can we figure it out together?", or you can find out what the other person likes. , or you can learn about the other person's favorite ways and let them teach you how to try them.
3. Recall what you once liked: Try to remember what you once enjoyed in sex or other activities, and let yourself try them again so that you can better determine whether you like such activities or not, because the things that once made you feel sexually pleasurable are likely to stimulate your libido again.
4. Experiment with masturbation: Masturbation is a great way to explore your body, and during masturbation you'll be more likely to find out what can make you feel pleasure. Mutual masturbation can bring better results. Observe each other's facial expressions and body movements during mutual masturbation, this non-verbal way will reduce shyness and is very friendly to those who are not very expressive.
In Conclusion
Remember that sexuality is a normal human desire and don't be bound by labels that see sex as taboo. We are the masters of our own bodies and it is perfectly acceptable to express our desires. But remember to provide feedback to your partner in a way that is earned so that the other person doesn't feel criticized. Start the feedback with a positive comment before making the request. If communication is challenging at the moment, consider a post-sex debriefing and reserve space in your relationship for ongoing feedback.
