The Seven Year Itch

The Seven Year Itch: When Marriage and Love Meet the Cooling-Off Period

In marriage, there is a problem that many people avoid, but the vast majority of people encounter: the seven-year itch.

The seven-year itch, the original meaning is that people's love or marriage life to the seventh year, may be due to the love or marriage life of the bland regularity of boredom and arrives at the burnout period, to experience a crisis test. But in fact, with the rapid development of society and the increase of temptation, many times it may not take seven years, within a few years of two people's feelings will be in a very dangerous period.

A fair number of people ask me the question: why do I feel like this person doesn't love me as much as they did before?

To be honest, there are times when I really do cry a little when I see this question: because it's so normal that it can't possibly be any more normal, and at the end of any long term relationship, you're going to feel like this person doesn't love me as much as they did before.

Feverish love is nothing more than a short-lived perversion

Girls can feel the strong pleasure that "love" can bring to them, so they especially enjoy the relationship, and will even become more and more devoted to this relationship as time goes by. But boys are not, boys can not feel "love" can bring their own pleasure, boys are more directly can feel the pleasure of sex, can feel the pleasure of possessiveness, can feel the pleasure of conquest - that is to say, they will not because of a long period of time in a relationship, will be bursting out of what the new passion, but because of the original feelings of the fading, and gradually began to return to a normal state.

The passion that erupts when a guy pursues you is probably the most passionate you can witness in your life when this guy is interested in you. Because at that time, he has sexual urge and possessive, conquering desire for you. When these desires are slowly faded with the passage of time, after no, naturally burst out so hot feelings.

It can be argued that the heat of the moment is probably one of the most intimate states of a relationship between two people. Many of us want to keep our relationships in a very heated state, full of freshness and excitement, but therein lies the problem: the process by which the freshness and excitement is created runs counter to the process of developing a long-term relationship.

What are the conditions needed for freshness and excitement to develop?

  • Two people who are still exploring and familiarizing themselves with each other.
  • The two of them don't get to see each other very often.
  • Two people who still have an appetite for each other.

But the development of a long-term relationship is exactly the opposite of this process: you meet every day in a long-term relationship through the exploration and familiarity stage, you are already very familiar with the other half, so the freshness and passion is naturally a state of decline, the other side of the enthusiasm for you will also be reduced.

During this process, there may be many people who feel that there is a change in the relationship between the two people and they feel anxiety and uneasiness, which they in turn transfer to the other person. When a person flat out starts accepting negativity from their partner, it tends to make the relationship between the two people even worse and ends up in cold violence.

The Seven Year Itch

Why is the seven-year itch often accompanied by cold violence?

The logic here is this.

After you yourself sense that the other person is no longer as passionate and impulsive as they were before, you act very anxious and start inflicting negative emotions on your significant other by demanding all kinds of things from them and lashing out at them.

At this time, your partner does not know what he did wrong, because it is a necessary process, so the face of your anger do not know how to deal with and deal with, in the long run, the other side into a helpless and desperate state, not willing to communicate with you. And often when you finished venting anger, you will also realize their own mistakes, and then for each other to make up for the guilt. The other party gradually in the process, found only need to your anger and difficult not respond, let you vent your emotions, the final result will not be too bad. So, the other side began to get used to your dissatisfaction and complaints, and the silent response to it...

You see, this is a relationship in the cold violence more and more intense reason: in the process, because you too much venting their emotions, because you overdrawn the patience of the other party, so later, the other party has been silent and cold violence as a solution to the problem, began to habitually use this way to deal with all kinds of problems and contradictions that may arise between you. In the long run, your relationship will only become colder and colder, and your previous feelings will become more and more indifferent.

How to get love out of the seven-year itch?

When you feel that the relationship between your partner and you has entered a cold period, when you feel that the other party may not have been so considerate to you, do not directly vent your anger to the other party, we can try to use the following methods to get ourselves out of the negative emotions in a long-term relationship.

1. Don't over-concern yourself and lower your reactions

Many people who fall into agitation in the middle of a long-term relationship are often people who are overly concerned about the relationship. What is excessive attention? Is for each other every move are invested huge energy and attention, always in a state of nervousness. Today this person to you to warm up a little, you immediately refreshed, feel very happy; tomorrow this person did not say "good night" and he went to bed, the results of your anger to one or two o'clock in the morning can not sleep; the day after the other side of the update of a social media dynamics, and then you studied more than half an hour to know each other to express what the meaning of the other side. This is excessive attention to a relationship, and this mentality does nothing but add to your worries.

Don't be overly concerned about a relationship, find a hobby, focus on your studies and work, and do whatever your partner wants to do, as long as it's not too much, why do you have to care?

Getting as much control as you can, distracting yourself from the other person and not focusing your main energy on them will allow you to be able to reduce more negative emotions at this time.

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2. Incorporate rituals as appropriate

Ritual is really a very important thing, and Truman Capote has this quote in Breakfast at Tiffany's:

Most of life is so boring that there is no time when it is not boring. Whether it's switching to another brand of cigarettes, moving to a new place, subscribing to a different newspaper, falling in and out of love, we're always fighting the inextinguishable dullness of everyday life in ways that are either frivolous or profound.

Our remembrance of past events is in fact a constant reminder of ourselves: how long it has taken us to get to this point, how much time we have spent, how many storms we have endured, and how much struggle we have put in.

Why marriage is divided into Silver Anniversary, Golden Anniversary, Diamond Anniversary, its purpose is to remind the couple, you have gradually fulfill the original promise of growing old together, from the time you tied the knot has been so long, you have experienced so many setbacks and bumps yet still Both of you are as great as your love.

And every anniversary, our rituals push us to introspect: now that so many years have passed, do you remember who you were back then? Have you honored the promises you made? How long has it been since you came all the way here? Are you still as happy as you were when you were together a few years ago?

3. Enhance your ability to perceive love

Has love really disappeared? In my opinion, what's true is more like love taking a different form to be with us. True, the person may not be as good at sweet-talking as he was before, but your joys and sorrows still touch him, and he has always struggled to keep the family going.

It is true that this person is not as frequent now to take you out on shopping dates, but this person has been used to come home to cook for you, and cooking will also be used to take care of your tastes less a spoonful of salt.

Yes, this person may no longer be as attentive to exchanging good mornings and good nights, but this person now sleeps next to you every day.

Isn't all this love? It's just that we've felt it so many times in the process that we've become so accustomed to it that we mistakenly think it's gone, that it's disappeared. In reality, love is always there, but we all lack the ability to perceive it in a relationship. You can't blame the other person for not loving you if you don't feel love, can you? 

So, that's my interpretation of the seven-year itch in long-term relationships and marriages:

In a long term relationship, the waning of passion and the flattening of the relationship is an irreversible trend, and we need to get used to accepting this trend, rather than putting more pressure and negativity on the other person at this time. At the same time, we need to avoid over-concentrating on the relationship, adding in appropriate rituals to our emotional time together, as well as increasing our ability to feel loved.
The person who loves you is right next to you, and that person has never gone away.

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